We need to talk. I’ve had some things on my mind lately and I need to be totally honest with you. I know what you’re thinking. I’m not saying we’re over. I just think we need a break. For one thing, you know my achilles has been giving me some trouble, and I’ve been totally up front about that. I miss running and riding, although I have cherished the meager time Mike (my physical therapist) has allowed me to get on the trainer these last few days. I do think of you fondly during those long hours in the basement. The thing is, I wish I could tell you from the bottom of my heart that if I could get out there on the road, I would. I think we both know that’s not entirely true. My heart isn’t in it right now. I can’t help but keep on comparing you to Ironman Lake Placid. My focus last summer was razor sharp. I gave of myself more than I imagined was possible and I was superlatively happy to do it. I want to do the same for you but I don’t know if I have the energy.
I’m going through a lot right now. I’m getting ready to move out to Boulder, where I am going to start a new job, I don’t yet have an address, and I have exactly one friend. I feel a little bit ill when I think of the all the unknowns ahead of me. My dad has told me more than once he wished I wouldn’t go so far away and that breaks my heart. Especially because I really don’t have to go. I just want to and I know it might never happen if I wait. I feel like I finally got up the nerve to dive off the high dive, and now I’m at the edge of the board and it would be very easy to decide this was stupid in the first place, actually the worst idea I’d ever had, and I would have much more fun climbing back down the ladder and working on my tan. But nothing really ever happens when you work on your tan, except you look really good in white, and then later you get wrinkles. I have to keep telling myself this. I remind myself at least once an hour that being afraid is absolutely no reason not to go for what you want. I know I am stronger than this fear I am wrestling with, but that doesn’t change the fact that its super scary.
So I’m overwhelmed right now. I know there’s going to be a ton of people to train with out there, but at the same time, I don’t know if I’m up for it. I think its more the timing than anything to do specifically with you. I just feel like if I am going to do it, I don’t want to do it half-assed. You deserve an athlete who is ready to commit and I am just not sure right now.
I just some time to get settled, and sort things out, and we can sit down with John and talk again in a month or so. For now I’d like to keep things more casual. I am definitely in for some shorter races this season, but I am going to have to make sure my head is in the game if we are going to be serious.