The facts ma’am, just the facts.

I know they say a picture is worth a thousand words but I don’t have my digital camera handy and the internet NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW so words will have to suffice. Anyway this is a blog not a photo gallery.

So here’s the deal. Everything is normal, circa 30 minutes ago. Dan and I were at his place working from home. I know it sounds like maybe we weren’t really working (or am I just projecting my insecurities and fears here?) and really I can’t speak for Dan but I was definitely interspersing work and work-related emails with Facebook and compulsive blog reading. I was at the dining room table. Dan was in his room. (Right. We don’t live together. And don’t try to tell me there is no way I can know if I should marry him without living with him first because I will just smile and nod to your face and then behind your back I will say to the first person I see “WTF!? Since when is [your name here] such a relationship f*cking expert!? Because [your name here] can just go f*ck him/herself because guess what I never asked whether I should live with Dan before we get married, ok!? When I want relationship advice, I WILL ASK FOR IT!!!” And then I will have to take a Valium. Ok just kidding about the Valium, I will not take one but I will want one.

Ok so I digressed there. The point is earlier in the day Dan had asked me if I would like for him to get me a coffee. But I politely declined because then I would have had to wake up and drink it and I didn’t want to do it right then. It was early. Ok it was 8:00 but guess what people, when you work from home, yes you can do it in your pj’s, but it also means sometimes you stay up till like midnight working. Like last night, I was working till 11:15. Not that I need to justify myself, I’m just.. turning into my mother, the original not a morning person… ok that is a whole other blog post.. But anyway when I finally woke up and started working of course I was thinking about coffee and how much I wanted some. Being that my coffee pot is at my house and I wasn’t going there, the equidistant coffee shop was the only option. So everything was good in my world because a) I was about to get coffee and b) Dan was actually going to bring his laptop to the coffee shop with me so we could work (or blog as the case may be) together. Yay!!

So he gave me the five minute warning, at which point I shut down my computer and donned my shoes. As I put my laptop in my bag, I glanced at Dan out of the corner of my eye and did a double take. Why was he wearing his Halloween costume from last year when we dressed up as a schoolgirl (me) and a dirty old man (him)? It wasn’t like he had candy and beer in his coat pockets like he did on Halloween but it was basically the same exact outfit; He had on a heather gray -shirt with some weird math equation on it (no I am not kidding. Seriously, could I even make that up?). The collar was frayed and there was a pea sized hole in the back, right under his left shoulderblade. The edges of the sleeves were fraying too. His shorts were of the cargo variety, and their light khaki shade almost matched his t-shirt exactly. I will give him credit for his low rise Adidas socks (because he prefers the same tube socks he has had for like 10 years) and his new Asics sneakers. Over his outfit (I use the term “outfit” loosely) he had on his black knee length pea coat. As I started to form the words to say something in protest to this ensemble, he took his famous homeless person/toke type hat out of his pocket.
“Dan, you can’t wear that outfit.”
“Why not?”
“You either need to change your coat or put on jeans. That outfit is not ok.”
“But it’s not like I’m single. Who cares what I wear?”
“But I have to be seen with you. Like Hey everyone My fiance is homeless.” Which is actually funny because a long time ago I dated someone who didn’t really have anywhere to live and for some reason like when you’re reading a fiction book I was able to engage that phenomenon, “Suspension of Disbelief.” And for some reason here, now, I was not able to do that with Dan. Maybe because I am older now, more mature…

But anyway, I really wanted to go for coffee so we walked to the coffee shop even though he was wearing that stupid outfit. I told him he was a walking fashion faux pas and he was like “You should totally blog about this!” and I was like “Would you mind if I make fun of you on my blog?” And he said “Sure, as long as you include all the facts.”

8 thoughts on “The facts ma’am, just the facts.

  1. Melissa. says:

    Best story I’ve read in a long while… I have an almost identical one from years ago that involved my lover walking out of the house in my pants. Jeeze.

  2. Anonymous says:

    PJ, you can’t ‘pipe in’ with an ominous comment like that without a bit more explanation…After we’re married, do I start to care *even less* about fashion and public presentability? Does Pam start to become even more high strung about my tube socks? Do lions and lambs lay down together?Inquiring minds want to know.Dan

  3. Jonathan Rubin says:

    This so very typical of all relationships – the girl wants the guy to “dress up,” even though they are just going to a 7-11, or to get gas, or cheetos or something. The guy is chillin’ – he wants to wear whatever is lying around and not have to think about it. Who’s right? They both are, but who will win depending on who has the better / more persistent argument. In my house its about 50/50 🙂

  4. Nat says:

    Love the math/physics T. All sounded OK to me until the jacket with shorts. 🙂 But that’s ‘so Dan’. Steve has a name for my weird outfits, he calls them my ‘Sunday gear’ b/c I usually throw together totally rando stuff for brunch. In my experience, marriage won’t change this!

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