You might think it’s easy to be a night person but you’d be wrong. It would seem reasonable that if the most dreadful part of your day is the simple act of waking up, HURRAY, you’ve conquered your most challenging battle before the crack of 7:55 PBT/5:55 BST (Pre-Baby Time/Baby Standard Time) and it’s all downhill from there.

What’s so hard about peeling one’s eyelids open, getting out from under the snuggly warmth of 500 threadcount cotton sheets, and standing up to greet the day? For starters, everything. Let me break it down for you:

Scenario #1: Wake up with Alarm Clock (a.k.a Public Enemy #1)
Set alarm clock the night before with master plan in mind. Allow time for eight mile tempo run, stretching, core work, leisurely drink of water, and shower before baby hand-off when husband leaves for work. When alarm goes off press snooze before first conscious thought forms. If had to choose between oxygen and Snooze Button at this point would definitely choose Snooze. Decide stretching can wait till another day.Nine minutes later, alarm sounds. Reach for snooze button before becoming aware that the sound is supposed to inspire wakefulness. Need to make it stop. Return to drowsing. Decide core work not necessary today.Nine minutes later, alarm sounds. Arm extends toward Snooze button reflexively. Feel ok about shortening eight mile tempo run to 6.5 mile run

Nine minutes later, alarm sounds. Resign self to getting up eventually and running with baby in BOB stroller. Will do tempo run tomorrow, slow jog with baby in BOB stroller today.

Nine minutes later, alarm sounds again. Rub eyes, stand up and feel guilty and ashamed of self for not following through with plans because only losers do not follow through with plans. Lack of discipline is obvious sign of being a shitty person.

Have first sip of coffee. Decide maybe can live with self after all.

Scenario 2: Wake up with Baby Crying
Hear “Eh-eh” from baby’s room. Hope whining will die down and baby will fall back asleep. “Eh-Eh” escalates to whine which escalates to cry. Hope cry will stop after five minutes. Cry escalates to madness within three minutes, then abates. Fall back to sleep. Cry starts again. Cry becomes singing. Fall back asleep. Cry starts again.

After thirty minutes decide continued taunting cannot be tolerated and retrieve baby and bring her to big bed in hopes of quiet mom baby snuggle time. Feel baby’s full weight resting on your throat. Reposition baby without opening eyes. Baby scratches your face with the toenail she has refused to let anyone trim. Place baby lovingly on chest where offending toenail is far from your face. Baby gropes your nipples like drunk frat guy. Can’t take it anymore. Get up.

Feel nostalgic for the times when baby would entertain self in crib for first hour of day. Wonder which of your parental failings have resulted in baby’s inability to play alone. Take first sip of coffee and decide  maybe you don’t totally suck at parenting.

Scenario 3: Wake up Naturally (Obv a Fantasy)
Merely considering this causes urge to weep for pre-baby life, in which weekend mornings were often spent lazing in bed with husband and Styles section of New York Sunday Times, sometimes coffee. Feel guilty for yearning for old life especially upon noting your beautiful, healthy daughter is one of life’s most precious gifts and you are total ungrateful asshole. Repeat cycle of self-loathing/coffee drinking.

Seriously? My hair isn’t even awake yet.

Much Better

This post was brought to you by the Finish The Sentence Friday link up. The prompt this week was “The hardest part about my day is…”